


A Loving Feeling Makes You All Alone

by boredworks



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nagisa Kaworu Lives, POV Alternating, POV Nagisa Kaworu, POV Souryuu Asuka Langley, Slow Burn, adding real tags real quick ummm, because nobody knows how to talk about their feelings, but they will learn, kinda slowburn kawoshin, omg nobody noticed the title is a mitski song this is so sad, slowburn asurei, there will definitely be world building but i want to focus more on characterization lol, very character centric, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26439607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredworks/pseuds/boredworks
Summary: AU in which when Katsuragi finds out about the corruption of NERV, she leaves with the Children to protect them from being used to cause future impacts, and the beginnings of WILLE are formed.
Relationships: Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 58
Kudos: 122





	1. beginning

Asuka glared at the group of people around her. The wind carried an earthy scent. They stood on a dirt path on a hill, a patch of not quite ripe watermelon surrounding them. Katsuragi stood a few feet from the four Children, a solemn look on her face, Akagi lingering behind her. Asuka saw no point to her being there. She dragged her foot back and forth in the dirt, fixing her glare to the ground. 

“Misato-san?” Stupid Shinji started to speak before she had the chance.

“Why are we even here? What’s the point of dragging all of us to this stupid place?” Asuka interrupted. Shinji shot a quick glare in Asuka’s direction. His expression didn’t last long, and he quickly fixed his attention back on Katsuragi. 

“Asuka, you know the reason I brought you all here was to talk. I couldn’t risk anyone at NERV hearing.” Katsuragi said. Her expression was tired as her eyes flickered from the watermelon, to Asuka, then up to the sky. She tilted her head back, watching the small clouds roll by. “I didn’t want to risk the possibility that someone could be listening in on the apartment as well. There’s safety out in the open here.”

Annoyance bubbled in Asuka’s chest. “Get on with it!” 

Katsuragi brought her gaze back to the four. “We’re leaving NERV.”

Asuka was taken aback. She opened her mouth but words would not come to her. Frustrated, she glanced at the others around her. Ayanami’s expression hadn’t changed a bit. But it’s not like she ever saw the other girl’s expression change. Nagisa’s expression didn’t change either, he still wore his ever present smirk. Stupid Shinji was the only one who showed any emotion. His brow furrowed in confusion. He looked like he had something to say, yet he didn’t speak. Asuka assumed she looked like that as well. She shook her head quickly and spoke up. “The hell do you mean leaving? Why?!” 

Katsuragi sighed. “I’m sure at least some of you are aware of the dark nature of NERV. Maybe not the extent of it all, but you must know something.” She looked at Ayanami. “Especially you, Rei.” 

“Ayanami..? What would she know..?” Shinji asked. At this Nagisa let out a small chuckle. Shinji quickly turned his head to look at him, face still ridden with confusion.

“Ah, sorry.” he said quietly, and stopped his laughter. Nagisa smiled. “I see there are still many things you are yet to learn, Shinji-kun.” he looked over to Asuka “I’m sure Soryuu shares your ignorance.” 

Nagisa’s tone pissed her off. “Shut up, you don’t know anything about me...!”

”NERV has a hand in causing the Third Impact. With NERV, it’s inevitable. We’re leaving so none of you will be used in staring it. I want to prevent it, and keep everyone safe!” Katsuragi spoke. 

Asuka had a strange feeling in her gut. “How do you know. I don’t have to trust you about this or anything!” 

“Do you need us to pilot the Evas?” Ayanami questioned. 

“Hmph! If that’s the case, then why bring all these other morons!” Asuka said. Nagisa laughed again. She glared at him. 

Katsuragi shook her head. “There’s no way we can take the Evas with us. At least not right away. As for your question, Asuka, both Ritsuko and I have gathered enough evidence on our own to determine that there’s no good in staying with NERV.”

”It wasn’t just Mistato and I. Kaji gathered quite a sum of information.” Akagi spoke up. Katsuragi stiffened both her posture and her gaze. 

“Yes.” She said. “Will you all agree to join us?” 

“I will do what I’m asked.” Ayanami said. 

Shinji looked nervous. “Y-yes.” Nagisa nodded as soon as Shinji spoke. 

“Fine.” Asuka spat. 

“Good. We will go to NERV headquarters to gather some things. I need my computer and notes, and all of you should gather any of your belongings that you may need. We’ll meet up behind the headquarters with Ibuki at a truck exactly one hour after we enter. Once inside you must not speak to anyone of leaving. We cannot risk being caught.” Akagi said. 

“Where will we go?” Shinji asked. 

“An abandoned NERV base.” Katsuragi answered. “It’s been vacant for years, and we have Ritsuko so we can guarantee it will be secure.”

”Do you all have any questions on what we’re doing?” Akagi questioned. Nobody answered. “Good. Remember, be outside exactly one hour after we enter. Now, let’s start.”

——-

They had made their way to NERV’s headquarters. Akagi and Katsuragi had already entered. The four Children trickled in slowly. Ayanami and Stupid Shinji were up ahead already doing down the escalator, leaving Asuka walking with Nagisa. 

“Tch. Why’d I have to go in with you?!”

”Ahaha, It’s not like you had to.” 

Asuka sulked. “...I’d feel weird doing this alone.” 

“I understand.” Asuka thought his eyes said otherwise. He didn’t seem to actually care. 

Asuka stepped onto the escalator. The other two were a bit ahead of them, barely out of earshot. Ayanami was smiling as she talked with the boy. Asuka felt something flare in her chest. It was hot. It pained her. Anger perhaps? Hmph. She crossed her arms. She couldn’t drag her eyes away. Why was she giving attention to stupid Shinji of all people? Asuka was the one everyone’s eyes should be on. 

Ayanami reaches our her hand, as if reaching for a handshake, and Shinji took it. They didn’t shake hands, just held them there. It looked like they were joking around. They looked happy. After a moment their hands retreated and conversation continued. Asuka’s eyes widened. What was this feeling she had? Seeing them filled her with a deep anger but she couldn’t understand why. Her jealousy ran deep and lit a fire in her veins. She always had a spark of anger in her, but it was moments like these that fueled the fire and made it rage inside her. Looking at Shinji made her blood boil. Stupid Shinji. 

“Ah, I wonder what they’re talking about.” Nagisa said. “You look quite angry.” 

Asuka glared at the boy. He still wore a slight smile, but to her surprise, his eyes had a sadness to them. “Shut up.” 

“Haha, you sure hate me.” He chuckled. “Are you jealous of Ayanami or something?” He had a joking tone but she could tell there was more than a joke behind it. Her face burned with anger. 

“God no.” It was the other way around.

Ayanami and Shinji had reached the bottom of the escalator. “Oh, well. That’s good then.” Nagisa said. He started to walk down the rest of the escalator, closing the space between the two groups. Asuka scoffed and followed him. He called out Shinji’s name, prompting him to look up as he and Asuka reached the bottom. “Come join me for a bit,” He said to him. Shinji nodded and the two went off on their own way, leaving Asuka and Ayanami alone. The fire of anger continued to burn in Asuka. 

Anger, and whatever those other god damn feelings she felt were. 


	2. confusion

Kaworu made his way down the hall, Shinji trailing behind him. Their footsteps echoed through the empty hall. He kept his pace casual, as their situation wasn't pressing to him. Shinji was probably too nervous to quicken his step or to bring up Kaworu's lack of anxiety. That was to be expected of him, however. Kaworu smiled to himself. It was kind of endearing to him, that nervousness. It appealed him, and made him even more curious about the other boy's thoughts. Everything about him charmed Kaworu, every lingering moment of silence fueling his intrigue, his desire to make a connection. 

"Where are you headed, Kaworu-kun?" Shinji broke the silence. 

"Ah, nowhere in particular," He answered. "Do you have somewhere you need to be?"

"If you're not going anywhere, why did you ask me to come along?" Purposefully or not, he ignored the question.

Kaworu smiled and glanced at Shinji. "I simply wanted to spend some time with you, Shinji-kun." Shinji's face flushed. Kaworu tried not to let his smile widen as his heart fluttered. 

"O-oh." Shinji quickened his pace slightly to match Kaworu's, so they were walking side by side. His face was still red. It was... cute. Kaworu felt his heartbeat quicken. His face felt warm, he could only assume his face matched the redness of Shinji's. God, he was so hopeless, getting flustered by just a simple action and an expression. He was hopeless... He wanted so desperately to say something, anything, to alleviate the flustered, anxious, feeling he had. Speaking his mind helped, but it didn't feel appropriate to say something all out in the open. They were alone, but the spacious hallway somehow made the feeling grow stronger.

"Say, Shinji-kun. There's one of those rooms with vending machines nearby. Do you mind if I grab something there before you get your things?"

"I don't mind, but don't you need to gather your things as well? I don't really have much here, so it's fine if we go to get your things before mine." 

Kaworu shook his head. "No, no, I don't have anything of importance here."

"I see."

They walked in silence together, but it was not a comfortable silence, at least not for Kaworu. His anxiousness grew and grew with each passing moment that he couldn't express even a fragment of what he felt. The seconds dragged on him, weighing him down, every instant sending the butterflies in his chest swirling. He was so, so, so hopeless.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity to Kaworu, but was only really a few minutes of walking, they entered the room. He let a sigh of relief slip past his lips. He quickly went over to one of the machines, and drew his NERV ID out of his pocket, swiped it, and absent-mindedly selected some random canned coffee. The machine rumbled and the can fell to the slot at the bottom with a loud klunk. He reached down and picked it up, and turned around. He leaned his back against the cold machine, and gazed at Shinji who had taken a seat at one of the benches in the middle of the room. He met the other boy's eyes, and let his words tumble out.

"Shinji-kun, do you remember what I said to you a while ago?" He questioned. 

"Ah," He drew his eyes away, embarrassed. "You said you were born to meet me."

He laughed a little. "I did say that... I meant the other thing, though..." 

Shinji met Kaworu's eyes again, blush rising on his face. "That you love me." 

Kaworu nodded. He moved away from the vending machine and took a seat next to Shinji. "I still mean that. And, I was wondering... what you think of me." Shinji's hand rested on the edge of the bench in the space between the two of them. He wanted to reach out and take it, as he had once done so before, but he refrained. "You don't have to say anything now, though. I just wanted to ask. My curiosity about you runs deeply. I would love to be able to understand your feelings... even if they aren't about me or anything. Maybe even if they're feelings for Ayanami, I would still like to know. You just... fascinate me. No matter when you answer or what you say, I'll always be captivated by you."

Shinji's fingers curled against the bench. “You’re so forward, Kaworu-kun.”

”It’s the only way I know how to be.”

"To answer you... I don't know." He paused, gaze fixed on the floor in thought. "Ayanami... It's really not like that with her. Not at all. She's like... how do I put this... She's like a sister.” Relief washed over Kaworu. Shinji continued. “I think she feels the same about me. If you're referring to her holding my hand, she asked to because last time we had simply touched like that it made her smile, and she wanted to smile like that again. I don't think she's ever been cared for like that. And she was seeking it out again in case a moment like that never arises soon. I can understand her feeling that way." He looked up and met Kaworu's eyes. "And about you. I just don't know. I understand Ayanami, because she doesn’t love me. I don't understand you because I can’t see how you could ever care for someone like me."

"Well, why not? I already do, don't I?"

He gave a sad smile. "How could you ever love me, such an unloveable person? It doesn’t seem possible. I don’t think anyone could truly love me. It’s incredibly hard for me to believe at all.”

Kaworu’s heart sank. He thought he was prepared to accept any answer. He was even willing to accept it if Shinji had feelings for Ayanami. Maybe it would even hurt less. “Shinji...” he sighed. He tried to not let emotion influence the sound of his voice, but now he could hear how his sadness effected it. He didn’t think he could hide it this time. “Shinji, I don’t care about my own happiness. I only care for your’s. I want you to know that you are loved. I want you to find the happiness you desire. It pains me to know you think that nobody can love you.” He shifted to face Shinji directly and rested his hand on his shoulder. 

“Shinji-kun, if I am not a part of the happiness you want, that’s alright. If you want, I’ll leave you be. I want to help you, but if you need to find happiness on your own then I’ll keep my distance. I won’t be ‘forward’, as you put it.” Kaworu continued. Shinji shifted to face Kaworu as well, but he kept his eyes averted.   
  
“I...” His face flushed and he reached for Kaworu’s free hand. He gently closed his fingers around it, and Kaworu reciprocated the action. His heart skipped a beat and he felt his face grow hot. “I never said I didn’t like it. Just that it was hard to believe. You can be as forward as you like...”  
  


”A-alright.” His heart pounded. He gingerly moved his hand from his shoulder to the side of his face. It was warm. He traced his thumb up and down his cheek. “Is that okay then...?” He said quietly. Shinji nodded and closed his eyes. His hand gripped Kaworu’s hand a bit tighter than before. Was he... leaning closer? Realization quickly hit Kaworu, and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He wasn’t expecting this, he really wasn’t expecting this! He pushed his panic down, leaned in as well and-

“Jesus fucking Christ, Stupid Shinji, you're whoring around with everyone today!” A loud, angry voice rang out.   
  


Shinji immediately shot up, furiously blushing. “Shut up, Asuka it’s not like that!”

Soryuu stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. “The hell was it then? Idiot.”

”How long have you been standing there?!”

”I just got here a second ago! What, did you think I was eavesdropping?! Why would I care about what _you_ have to say?”

”Why’d you come here? I thought you were with Ayanami.” Kaworu commented.   
  
“She pisses me off too much!” Soryuu huffed. “But I guess I’m not welcome here either. Stupid.”

Shinji and Soryuu continued their bickering. Kaworu picked up and opened his neglected coffee. He took a sip as he watched the two’s typical arguing, but he had already stated tuning them out like usual.   
  
He was hopeless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao I did say in the tags kawoshin was ““kinda”” slowburn. anyway. The scene with shinji and rei was based off of some chapter from the manga that i can’t remember the number of lol. You’ll get 2 see asuka and rei’ s conversation in the next chapter but idk when that’ll be jksjksdjkshj. asurei will certainly progress less fast than this. I mean there’s still a way to go w this bc shinjis fucking dumb as shit u know? Actually they r all dumb as shit lol. Anyway byeee hope u enjoyed :]


	3. hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for v brief ment of suicide

Asuka had shoved past Ayanami in the hall, making a one-sided competition out of getting to the locker rooms. Her anger burned in her chest, drilling a hole in her stomach. Yet Ayanami was so passive. She hated her, she hated it. If she were a roaring fire, then Ayanami was a calm river. Serene. Unchanging. Quiet. Blue. _Boring_. She wanted to see the water rippling, and to hear waves roar, to see emotion, to bubble with passion, fury, anger, anything! She wanted to see her feel something towards her instead of her cold, blank, boring exterior. If anything, she wanted for her feelings to be returned. She wanted Ayanami to hate her. Yes, that was it. It had to be.

Asuka picked up her pace, jogging to their destination, the hallway echoed as her feet pounded against the ground. Ayanami barely made any sound as she walked behind the other girl, getting further and further away as Asuka ran. Infuriating. Her fire burned. She pushed herself to go down the hall faster, wanting to get over with packing whatever she had in her locker as quickly as possible. She didn't want to admit that she was scared to leave. She slowed to a halt as she approached the doors to the room. Asuka looked over her shoulder to see Ayanami a little ways back. She had not run as Asuka had. Her pace stayed consistent and somewhat slow. She scoffed at her and entered the cold room. 

The locker room was as dull as ever. The room was colored with shades of white and grey, typical to NERV. Usually, excitement would fill Asuka as she entered the lifeless room because that would mean that she would be piloting 02. This room marked the start of her chances to show the world how good she was. This was no such situation, however. She reluctantly went to her locker and opened it. Her plugsuit was messily folded on a small shelf. A yellow drawstring bag hung from the hook on the side. She knew there were books from school, an extra uniform, and probably some knick-knacks inside. A change of clothes that wasn't the uniform was strewn out on the bottom of the locker. Asuka took the bag and stuffed the clothes inside. She instinctively reached for the plugsuit as well... would she need it? Her fingers brushed over it, lingering there. Asuka reluctantly shoved it into the bag. She didn't really know why, it just felt right to keep. Ayanami walked in right as Asuka was finishing.

"You're a slow walker," Asuka said.

"You ran," Ayanami replied. Asuka watched her as she moved to her own locker. Ayanami had a similar bag, which Asuka had never cared to take much notice of. She assumed it had similar school things too. Ayanami looked calm. So calm, as the pale girl methodically took a few books from the locker and placed them in her bag. She held them so gently, on the contrary to Asuka's erratic shoving. 

To Asuka, it looked like there was no feeling behind her movements. Almost robotic. It confused her, she couldn't understand the other girl at all. She hated it. She hated how she could never tear her eyes away, either. Ayanami finished up putting things in her bag and turned around. She noticed Asuka's eyes fixed on her and she froze, her face unchanging. 

"Why don't you say anything?" Asuka asked. She intended to sound malicious, but it didn't come across as such. 

"About what?" Ayanami questioned. 

"Leaving."

"There's no need," Ayanami stated. Her voice was flat. "I am indifferent to it." She remained silent for a while, eye contact with Asuka never faltering. It unnerved her. "You're scared."

"You don't know anything about me!" Asuka retorted.

"I can tell. You're unsure of what will happen next. So you're scared." How could Ayanami say that with such a straight face? It enraged her. 

"Well, why aren't _you_ worried? You're so emotionless all the time! Who do you think you are for even trying to talk about _my_ feelings? Worry about yourself" Asuka spat.

It almost looked like Ayanami was taken aback. The slight widening of her eyes spoke volumes. "You're my friend." She said simply. "Friends are supposed to say those things."

"Ugh! Don't! We're not friends! Worry about yourself! Don't try to tell me what I'm feeling!" She snapped. "You don't even know how to! You stupid doll."

Ayanami looked hurt. "I'm not."

"Not what? Emotionless? Don't make me laugh!" Asuka knew she was being too harsh. The look on Ayanami's face said it all. Asuka didn't care. This way she knew that Ayanami felt something. She kept going. "You're not my friend. You never have been! Not since you didn't accept my request to be friends when we met!" 

"It was different then."

"No, it's not different! You still don't think anything of me!"

"What do you want me to think?"

"I don't know!" Asuka's voice raised. "And I don't care!" She turned on her heel, bag in tow, and marched to the door. As she grasped the handle, she paused. 

"I hope you hate me." She stated.

Asuka knew hatred. She understood hatred. She wanted to be hated because then things wouldn't have to be so complicated. If she hated her, she wouldn't have to think deeply about her. Ayanami made her feel so vulnerable, reading her thoughts like that. It upset her, that Ayanami could tell she was scared. She didn't want her to know, and she didn't tell her, yet Ayanami had read her like a book and repeated the pages out loud. Asuka didn't want anyone to be able to see those vulnerable parts of her, and she hated Ayanami for it.

"Sorry," Ayanami said blankly. 

Asuka flung the door open, letting it fall closed behind her. 'Sorry'? Where did that even come from... Asuka shook her head. She took a deep breath, to calm herself. She wasn't just angry at Ayanami. She was tired. She _was_ scared. She hated this place. She didn't want to be near Ayanami. She was annoying. She didn't want the other girl to continue to just... see through her facade like that. Asuka wanted to be alone, but above everything else she felt, she felt lonely. She sighed and walked across the hall to the other locker room, where she assumed the other two would be, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. 

"Hellooo..." She drawled. Still no answer. Ugh. She quickly peeked her head in, sort of relieved to see nothing. She closed the door quietly and walked off. It was so embarrassing, to be seeking their company. She didn't even like Shinji! Or Nagisa, for that matter. He was weird as hell. Even more weird than Ayanami, which was quite a feat. Her eyes darted around the hall, looking for an interesting place they could be. She came up upon a turn in the hall which lead to a room that she was familiar with, that had vending machines lining the walls. She walked up to the doorway and had to bite her tongue to keep herself from laughing. It looked like the two were kissing! Or at least they were about to, anyway. She considered walking away for a split second, but then remembered Shinji was holding Ayanami's hand ealier. She didn't know if that made her feel bitter, or if it made it funnier. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Stupid Shinji, you're whoring around with everyone today!” she said loudly. 

Shinji immediately stood up insanely fast. His face was burning red. Asuka had made up her mind, this was hilarious. "Shut up, Asuka! It's not like that!" 

Asuka leaned against the doorframe. "The hell was it then? Idiot." She suppressed a laugh.

"How long have you been standing there?!"

”I just got here a second ago! What, did you think I was eavesdropping?! Why would I care about what _you_ have to say?”

”Why’d you come here? I thought you were with Ayanami.” Nagisa commented. He spoke blankly like Ayanami had earlier.   
  
“She pisses me off too much!” Asuka huffed. “But I guess I’m not welcome here either. Stupid.” She heard a small click and noticed Nagisa was drinking coffee and staring off into space. How careless could someone get? 

"You piss me off too, Asuka!" Shinji replied

She laughed. "Why? Because I'm the only one here who's taking anything seriously? It doesn't even seem like you did what we came here to do! You're funny, stupid Shinji!" 

"Didn't get the chance," Shinji mumbled. Asuka laughed harder. 

"Haha, thank you for being around to make me laugh this hard, stupid Shinji! It's pathetic!" 

"So rude, Asuka! I'm going to find Ayanami," Shinji said and slipped past her through the doorway. 

Asuka rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, just don’t go kissing her too or whatever.”

”Oh, shut it, Asuka!” His voice trailed off as he walked away.  
She looked back over to Nagisa, who was still sitting there, staring at nothing. He held his coffee casually, barely touching it. 

"So what was that all about?" She asked. "Do you two have no regard for what's happening today?" He continued staring into nowhere, not acknowledging what she said.

"Hello?" She snapped. "Nagisa?" He broke out of his gaze and turned his head in her direction.

"Hm?"

"Did you even hear me... Why'd you do that now of all times?"

He looked at the wall again. "I'm just doing whatever I feel like. It's not like I should be alive right now, so why not?" 

"Wha- How can you say something like that so casually?" Asuka gritted her teeth. 

He shrugged. "It's the truth." 

What the hell... Who says that? Asuka was uncomfortable. He was weird. Did he want to die or something? Jeez. "Are you like... doing okay?"

Nagisa laughed. "Like you care!" 

"You're right! I don't! It's just concerning. I don't know what to say to that." She said. "You have a death wish or something?"

"No, Soryuu," He sighed. "Honestly just forget it, it's nothing. I was just stating facts."

Asuka sat down on one of the benches in the middle, a few feet away from Nagisa. "That's what freaks me out, you idiot. You want to die?"

"Not really," He muttered. "It's just inevitable. And I should have died already, I know it. I shouldn't be here now."

"Why mention it to me, of all people?" 

"You said it yourself, you don't actually care."

"Yeah, but I still don't want you to be dead or whatever." She kept her tone casual, matching his, but internally she was freaking out. Really, who says stuff like that?

"Ah, whatever. It's not like I'm going to kill myself, I don't want that. I just know I really shouldn't be here."

"That sounds really contradictory. Idiot."

He laughed. "Sorry, sorry! Really, try to pay it no mind. I assumed you would care less, so that's why I chose to mention it."

"I see. I won't act like I care then." She guessed she could understand where he was coming from. Based on whatever she had walked in on, he couldn't have said that to stupid Shinji. She had no clue if he'd ever had many conversations with Ayanami. So she was the only one left. He didn't act like it at all, but it was probably really weighing down on him. She understood that. It was kind of surprising that even now, after expressing that, his demeanor was so casual. He way he carried himself was so refined yet so carefree. Like he didn't even have a trace of anxiety about what he had shared.

He really _was_ weirder than Ayanami. 

Asuka wondered why it was so much easier for her to understand him.

\-----

The group stood outside NERV. They had left the building in the same pairs that they had entered in. Katsuragi and Akagi stood waiting with Ibuki, along with a small number of individuals from NERV who Asuka hadn't met, or at least ones who weren't important enough to remember. She counted three of them. The group of adults stood by two small trailer trucks. Judging from the front seat, there wouldn't be room for her to sit there. Asuka grimaced. She had been avoiding Ayanami and assumed she'd probably have to sit with everyone in the trailer part. And that meant she'd have to sit with her. She really didn't want to.

"Misato-saaaan, whats the deal?" Asuka drawed out. 

"No need to whine, Asuka. Ritsuko and I will be in the front seats of the first car, and you Children will be in the trailer. The other members will be in the second truck." Katsuragi said. Asuka groaned. Katsuragi looked around to the other adults. "You all know what to do." They nodded and headed to their respective positions. 

Ayanami promptly walked to the open back of the truck that they would be in. Shinji timidly trailing behind her. Nagisa walked there as well, leaving Asuka behind with Katsuragi and Akagi. 

"I know this is all very uncertain, Asuka, and I'm sorry." Katsuragi said. "If it helps, I was able to pack some of your things from the apartment earlier."

"Ugh, you touched my stuff?"

Katsuragi let herself laugh for a moment. "It's better than what little you had here! Tell Rei that Ritsuko brought some of her things as well."

"Whatever." She marched herself to the truck, joining the others. They had already started to settle inside. There were a few duffel bags and some boxes tied down all about. Asuka poked her head into one that was open, to see computer parts. How boring! She made her way to an empty corner that was close to the cab and sat herself down. She watched as everyone finished getting settled. Similarly to her, Ayanami sat alone. She pulled a book from her bag and began to read. Asuka had to crane her neck to peek around some boxes to see where Shinji was sitting. He had already put in his headphones, undoubtedly trying to seperate himself from the world around him. Nagisa sat a foot or so away from Shinji. It looked kind of awkward. Well, at least that had potential to be amusing. It was fun to make fun of stupid Shinji. She relaxed her neck. She naturally glanced to Ayanami again, only to see the girl gazing back at her. Asuka felt her face flush. She didn't know why.

Asuka hates her.   
  


At least she thinks she hates her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asuka b like *is rude as a defense mechanism* *is rude as a defense mechanism* *is rude as a defense mechanism* lol
> 
> sorry if these updates get slower! it's hard for me to get the motivation to write... I don't think I've ever fully completed a fic before lol. I'm trying my best to commit to this one tho! I have a lot of ideas, and I'm excited to write it :] I hope you enjoy it, and pls feel free to leave critique and stuff! I don't write super often but really I wanna try to do it more, so every comment is rly appreciated :) btw sorry if my chapter notes r always ramble-y, its tha adhd luv xoxooo


	4. drive

Kaworu didn’t necessarily like cars. Or at least he hated sitting in the back of a truck. Driving, he was okay with. He had the chance to try driving before, even though he wasn't old enough. When you’re the one driving, you have control and can choose what you do and where you go. He was used to being in control or at least being controlled. It was the opposite sitting in the back of the truck. It was cold, enclosed, they were stuck there. No decisions to be made except where to sit. He hated the feeling of helplessness that accompanied him. Shinji was next to him, against a stack of boxes. Ayanami was on the other side of the stack, out of eyesight, and Soryuu was on the other side of the tuck, parallel to Ayanami. The back of the truck was roomy enough, but the boxes and people there made him feel even more trapped. Kaworu pulled his legs against his chest and rested his face on his knees. God, he was uncomfortable.

“Is everyone good?” Katsuragi asked? He saw Shinji nod out of the corner of his eye. 

“Yeah. Can we go already?” Souryuu called.

Katsuragi chuckled and reached up to close the back. It closed with a loud clang. 

He tightened his grip, nails digging into the side of his leg. He felt eyes on him and glanced to the side. Shinji was looking at him, a concerned expression on his face. His hand lingered over the earbud in his ear, as if he were about to take it out to say something. Kaworu drew his eyes away. He didn’t want to be seen while feeling so trapped. He relaxed his arms and stretched out one of his legs. He would be fine. It was fine. It was all about appearance, as long as he looked like he was okay then he was okay. He trusted in his exterior to hide the anxiety that was swirling in his chest. The anxiety grew stronger as he heard the rumble of the truck’s engine starting and felt the jolt of movement that soon followed. He was uncomfortable. He had just let himself be vulnerable in front of Soryuu, which he regretted. Kaworu had hoped she would have had an indifferent reaction... yet he probably would’ve still said something if he had known she’d react passionately. It was tiring, knowing your fate is sealed, destined for death.

But somehow he had evaded it. 

He didn’t know if to die by the Eva’s hand, Shinji’s hand, was the fate of this life or another, but he knew that it should’ve happened already. He didn’t know how he was alive, he hadn’t done anything differently. Maybe it was the world that had changed instead of him. Kaworu really didn’t know. He knew what was inevitable, but it being out of his own control scared him. Kaworu didn’t want to die yet. He rubbed the back of his neck. The feeling of fear and uncertainty was crushing him. Once again he glanced to Shinji at his his side. At least there was another feeling stronger than his fear. 

Kaworu scooted over so he was closer to Shinji, and rested his head on his shoulder. A wave of calm rushed over him

“W-what are you doing?” he asked in a hushed voice, twinged with embarrassment. 

Kaworu didn’t reply. He kept still for a moment, then reached for his hand, interlocking his fingers with Shinji’s. 

He adjusted his head to look up at Shinji. His face was red, and his eyes were darting around to where the others were sitting. He returned his head to his original position and gave Shinji’s hand a squeeze. “Just a minute,” he said. Shinji squeezed his hand back in reply. He knew Shinji was embarrassed, it was written across his face, but Kaworu didn't really care. It was comfortable, sitting hand in hand and feeling the warmth of Shinji on his cheek. He wondered if he had made Shinji's heart flutter. The thought made him smile to himself.

Kaworu wanted to stay in that moment forever. 

He knew, however, that he could not. He dropped Shinji's hand and returned to where he was originally sitting. Kaworu gazed at Shinji, whose face was still flushed, and he fiddled with the cassette player. Kaworu wondered what Shinji's thoughts were... it was so intriguing. Was he thinking about him? Leaving NERV? Other things? It was hard to tell without Shinji specifying. Maybe others could understand, but it was hard for Kaworu to read people. He wondered if others would be irritated with him for asking what they think of things so often... 

A slight bump in the road immediately silenced Kaworu's thoughts. His body clenched, anxiety quickly seeping back into him. He made sure to keep a straight face, so the others couldn't see how much it bothered him. Funny. It was ironic, how he so badly wants to understand Shinji and the others, but he wouldn't let them understand him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back onto the wall of the truck he sat against. He did not relax. As the truck moved on and time passed, he internalized every bump, every tilt, every change of pace, squeeze of breaks, jolt of gas, every little movement struck through him, resonating with the anxiety coursing through his body. He hated it. He wished this was a situation in which he could be in control. Or be controlled, like he always had been. 

To be controlled. 

Was leaving NERV under the order of Katsuragi free will or control? 

Was it truly her control?

Was it their control?

Their control...

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, staring into space. He was the child of SEELE. He was used to living under their control, being their pawn. He was painfully aware of it. His only free will was his inevitable death. And because he has not died yet, will they now come for him? Kaworu let out a small sigh. 

Fear was overwhelming. 

He mustn't wish for anyone to be in control of him anymore. He must yearn for free will other than death. But was that even possible anymore? Did he being alive prove that? Or did it prove nothing, and would they come after him? Would he be controlled until death once again? Is he truly able to leave? Certainly not... they might already be on the move but he was for certain that they would find him. No way. No way would they let their plan go awry. Or was this according to plan?

Kaworu leaned his face into his hand. He didn't know if he could hide his anxieties for much longer. Nervousness exuded from him. He dared not look at the others that sat scattered around him. 

Kaworu didn't know what to do. What was his best course of action? To not listen to anyone and do whatever he wanted? To go along with what Katsuragi and the others instructed him? To return to SEELE so they wouldn't punish him for going astray? 

To die? 

The thought grew louder and louder in Kaworu's mind. Yes, it seemed appropriate. It was inevitable. He knew it was inevitable. He would just have to wait it out until he died. Was that just doing was he wants, though? Did he truly want to die? Or had he died so many times already that it seemed like the only option? 

No.

Kaworu firmly brought his hand back down to his side and squeezed his nails into his palm to center himself with a jolt of pain. His knuckles went white from the tension. He mustn't die so soon. He was too curious. He wanted to see how Katsuragi's actions would play out. Above everything, wanted to see Shinji achieve happiness. 

Still, if death approached him, he wasn't sure if he would try to escape it.

\-----

The drive was agonizingly long. 

It was only a few hours, but it was torturous. If the others had been making conversation, Kaworu had been too lost in his own thoughts to hear it. By the time they arrived, he was exhausted. He had been so tense the whole time, leaving the truck was like a breath of fresh air, and the exhaustion hit him instantly. Entering the abandoned base was a blur. It was old, worn down, overgrowth was starting to nip at the edges. It was nothing special. The Children were each taken to separate rooms that were to be used as bedrooms, and the adults left them on there own as they went to work. Kawrou sat alone in the room that was to be his. The Children were truly there for protection and were of no use. It was curious to him why they would do that. If they had no use, then what was the point? Katsuragi seemed to be attached to the others. Not him, but she cared for everyone else to an extent. That was the point then. Care. Attachment. It was interesting. 

He was wasting too much energy thinking. 

The room he was in wasn't very spacious, and there wasn't much in it besides a chair, a small desk, a bed, and of course dust lining most everything. One of the duffel bags from the truck was on the floor. Presumably basic necessities. He was too tired to look, though. He collapsed on the bed and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kawrou panic attack moment lmao
> 
> this fic kinda operates on the theory that kaworu is the same person throughout every timeline and is aware of it u knoe?
> 
> sorry this took so long! i had a plan for this chapter but then i did something completely different so i improvised a lot.. also my internet went out when i was in the middle of editing it and i lost a bunch of progress so i was rly unmotivated for a while bc i didnt wanna redo it LOL  
> ANYWAY im not super satisfied with it, probably because I had to redo a lot of it and it wasnt 100% accurate,, but its as good as its gonna get lmao hope u enjoyed this super belated update.


	5. group

It had been exactly two weeks since they had left NERV, and Asuka was furious. She had never felt more useless! She didn't need protection! She wished that they had never left, so she could still pilot the Eva. She was nothing without it. She was so angry at how depressed she had let herself become. No, it wasn't her fault. It was everyone else's fault for putting her in this dreaded situation. 

Asuka couldn't talk to anyone even if she wanted to. The adults were too busy with their stupid rebellion, or whatever they called it. She refused to talk to Ayanami unless absolutely necessary. She rarely interacted with Nagisa. And stupid Shinji was too infuriating. He was the one she talked to the most, though. Even though they talked, he would never in a million years understand her feelings! She was useless! Damn useless! And he was a shitty wimpy brat. How could he ever understand? She needed the Eva. It was her connection! How would a shitty idiot brat like him comprehend that? She was so frustrated. So frustrated that she felt useless, and angry, and lonely.

Asuka laid face down in her bed, on top of the sheets, hugging her pillow. She felt like she would cry. How pitiful. She felt useless. It felt as if she was being torn apart, yet she felt so empty inside. She felt angry for feeling lonely. Her pity party was interrupted by a soft knock on the door and a muffled voice. 

“Hey, Asuka?”

Asuka rolled over onto her back. “What do you want Shinji?” She felt more annoyance than emptiness. 

He took Asuka’s reply as an invitation to open the door. He took a step into the room but lingered at the door frame. “Do you want to join everyone for lunch? At the cafeteria?”

”Huh? Why?” She asked. 

“Well, it kinda feels like everyone’s been avoiding each other recently. And it’s boring around here.” He said. 

Asuka sighed and sat up. “Can’t deny that it’s been boring.”

”So you’re coming then?”

”Fine, why not,” Asuka laughed dully. “It’s not like I like you people, but I really am bored.” She stood up and stretched. She walked out the door and pushed past Shinji, bumping into him. She walked quickly in front of him. She heard him shut her door and the sound of his footsteps followed her. Asuka thought Shinji was probably feeling as lonely as she was. Just like when they lived with Misato, he made food every day. Maybe it was out of obligation, but maybe it was him expressing himself to them or whatever. Asuka didn’t really care either way, and she decided not to put that much thought into stupid Shinji’s actions. It was Shinji, after all. Who cares?

"Is this a trick, stupid Shinji? Do you just want to see people enjoy the lunches you make?"

”...No,” He hesitated. “I just think everyone’s avoiding each other for no reason. It’s not like anything bad happened.” Shinji paused. “It’s getting more lonely.” He added quietly. 

“That’s stupid. Maybe the reason is that all of us secretly hate each other!” Asuka laughed and glanced back to Shinji who was still walking at a slower pace than her. He didn’t look amused. “Oh, come on! Take a joke, idiot.”

”Sorry.” 

Asuka scoffed and turned her head back in the direction she was walking. She was slowing becoming accustomed to the unfamiliar halls. The place was old, there were occasional cracks in the foundation, and little starts of plants peeked out through them. It was so run down. It was nowhere near as refined as NERV had been. “We’re going to the cafeteria right?”

”Yeah. Everyone else is already there, I went to get you last.” 

“Oh,” Asuka felt a little disappointed. Why? Did she feel that way because she was picked last? Or because she had hoped to be alone with someone or something? She couldn’t really tell. 

Asuka and Shinji continued in silence down the rugged hallway. After a few silent moments drawled on, they reached the cafeteria. It was as old as the rest of the place but significantly cleaner. Everyone who was there had pitched in to clean it after they arrived. It was a rather large room, similar to the one at NERV. There were rows of tables scattered around. A couple with broken legs were shoved in a corner. Ayanami and Nagisa sat at one of the tables near the middle. In the center of the table were boxed lunches for each of them and a tea set which Ayanami was passing out cups from. Nagisa looked up and waved as the two entered. Ayanami did nothing but spare a glance. Asuka felt her face flush but she didn’t quite know why. 

Shinji had passed ahead of her in the moment that Asuka has taken to pause and survey the scene. He reached the table before she did and sat next to Nagisa. Asuka figured that would happen, but she was still annoyed at the fact that she had to sit next to Ayanami. She sat down despite her annoyance and planted her elbows on the table to rest her chin on her hands. The pale girl was finishing up with the tea and their arms bumped as Ayanami retracted her hands and sat down. Asuka jerked her arm back at the slight touch. Blush remained stationary on her face. She was just annoyed and flustered because of... personal space! Yes, that was it. Personal space! 

Idle small talk began as the small group began to eat their lunches. 

“More ex-members of NERV have joined,” Ayanami said blankly. 

“Really?” Shinji replied. 

“Did you hear from Misato?” She asked. 

“I haven’t seen Misato-san very frequently,” he admitted. 

“Why would she tell you?” Snapped Asuka “Still getting special treatment, huh?”

Ayanami’s expression shifted slightly. Barely noticeable, yet enough for Asuka to see she was displeased. “No. I saw them enter. I fear that-“ 

“Hmph. Of course, Misato isn’t saying anything classified to you either. I- We have no purpose anymore!” Asuka interrupted. 

“Are we... “ Shinji started, trailing off mid-sentence. “Nevermind.”

”Are we what? Here for anything important? God no! We’re not pilots anymore.”

“I’m so glad we’ve done this, Shinji-kun,” Nagisa interjected. “It’s quite interesting.” He took a sip of tea.

Asuka rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Like that,” he said. His hand holding the cup was raised and he stuck his finger out, gesturing to Asuka. He rubbed the back of his neck with the other hand. “You’re quite expressive yet our dear Ayanami here wears an emotionless mask.” 

Again, Asuka saw the slight change in Ayanami’s expression, this time her eyes narrowed. She was more hurt than displeased. Asuka scoffed again.

“Nagisa you’re rude. And you don’t make any sense. Do you not see that?” 

“You’re one to talk!” He laughed and his hand fell from the back of his neck. “See what?” 

“See Ayanami’s face, you damn moron!” 

“I do,” His hand returned to his neck. “It’s the same as a moment ago, is it not?”

”It’s _not_!” Asuka sort of slammed her hand down onto the table. 

“You don’t have to defend me,” Ayanami said softly. “He’s right,”

”He’s _not_!” 

The group went quiet and continued to eat and drink.

”I’m so glad you made us do this, stupid Shinji, it’s definitely not awkward and obnoxious at all.” Asuka said, voice dripping with sarcasm, mocking Nagisa’s previous statement.

Nobody replied. Asuka noticed Nagisa’s hand rise to and fall from his neck again. “Why do you keep doing that?” 

Nagisa looked down. “Doing what?” 

“Don’t play dumb!” She snapped. 

Shinji spoke, “Did you hurt it?” He reached over to inspect the other boy’s neck. His fingers had probably barely brushed him because Nagisa had shot up from his seat instantly. His eyes went wide, and his face paled. 

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, seemingly in shock from his fast reaction. “Excuse me.” He quickly walked off, leaving behind a mostly empty cup of tea and lunch that had barely been touched. 

“Kaworu...” Shinji stood up. He glanced at the two at the table. “I’m going to see if he’s ok. I’m sorry for asking you here only to leave.” He then rushed out after the other boy. 

Asuka and Ayanami continued the silence that had so easily fallen over them. She picked at her food. She noticed that Ayanami’s lunch didn’t have any meat in it, unlike the rest. Stupid Shinji really did care for her, going through the effort to make her a separate lunch like that... Asuka’s stomach turned and suddenly she wasn’t as hungry as she had been before. 

“Asuka,” Ayanami broke the silence. 

Asuka held her breath. In response, she turned in her seat to face the girl. Her crimson eyes were piercing a strong stare at her. 

“I wanted to thank you,”

”Why?” 

“You’re kind to me,” Ayanami’s gaze didn’t falter as she spoke. “You’re harsh at times, but even so, I know your intentions are good. You just come off strong because that’s what your personality is like, and I can tell you’ve been hurting, but you still mean well. It’s easy to see that deep down you just want the best for everyone, and for everyone to be happy. So, thank you.”

”Don’t lie,” Asuka muttered. Whatever facade she had managed to put on in front of everyone else had fallen. “I’m not kind. I’m the worst one here. I’m not worth anything. Don’t waste your praises on me!” She shoved away her food. She didn’t deserve to eat. Her voice raised “I’m not deserving of anything! I can’t even pilot the Eva anymore! I’m not wanted!”

”But you’re still cared for, Asuka.” 

It was Asuka’s turn to jump to her feet. “Why can’t you just hate me, Ayanami? If you could just hate me, then I could understand you. It makes so much sense to hate me! I deserve your hatred, and nothing more!” 

Ayanami said nothing. 

"Don't waste your kind words on me." Asuka reiterated. Ayanami’s silence continued. She looked like she was in thought. Asuka took this an opportunity for her to leave. She followed everyone else suit, and walked out of the cafeteria. Before she trudged down the hall, she glanced over her shoulder. Ayanami watched her as she left, but she moved to sit back down after they made eye contact. Asuka almost felt guilty. 

Asuka tried so hard not to think, but by the time she reached her room again she was spiraling. She was denying. She knew what she felt, she knew why she was defensive. She knew what she was hiding, what she always had been. Asuka wanted to pretend again. Asuka entered her room and shut the door tight behind her. She dropped to her knees, she was so weak. Weak, useless, worthless. Why did she have to feel this way? It wasn’t fair.

“Why me...” Asuka whispered.

——-

Asuka had always known she liked girls. It was her normalcy, but to others it was strange. Alien. Wrong. So to Asuka it became wrong. She pushed down any real feelings she ever had, and pretended. When she was little she would pick a random boy to pretend to have a crush. So she would have something normal to say when her friends would ask her about it. She even did it still. She pretended with Kaji-san. He was the perfect excuse. It would never be reciprocated. Never consequential. Unattainable. Perfect. She wished she could still pretend.

Asuka knew exactly what she was running from. She knew why she has harsh. Why she was defensive and rude. She just didn’t want to admit it yet.

She was tired. Stagnant and tired. She had been moping in her room all day. It must’ve been evening by then. Asuka needed to snap out of it. Who was she? Stupid Shinji? She was better than this. She knew of a place to get fresh air, so she picked herself up from her crumpled position and walked to the door. 

She was trying to make an effort. Why then did Asuka feel so empty still?

So ashamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epic internalized homophobia moments! /j  
> sorry this chapter isn’t super interesting!! it’s kinda just a setup for the next few lmao  
> sorry it took so long btw!! i was pretty busy and also sort of unmotivated bc this chapter is boring compared to the next ones i have planned lol. i’ve made a substantial plan for the rest of the fic actually and im starting to get an idea of how long it’ll be :] i’d guess around... 10 to 12 chapters in total maybe? still not quite sure about the number tho lmao


	6. promise

Kaworu rushed through the halls in embarrassment. He had spent the few weeks that they had been there avoiding everyone as much as he possibly could. It was uncharacteristic of him and he hated to admit it but he was in a fragile state. He was more than aware that his mental health had plummeted, but he didn't know how to deal with it. He never had to before. He didn't have time for self-doubt or fear. He usually was able to focus on other things, things more important things than himself, before he died. It was so rare for him to have the time to succumb to his fears of the present and the pains of the past. However, he had been unaware of how sensitive he was of his neck. He didn’t even realize the amount he touched his had increased so much until Souryuu had pointed it out. It was embarrassing how he flinched and how his stomach had dropped the instant it was touched. It was a shock to him, despite it making sense. Even if it might’ve been an appropriate reaction considering his past, guilt and embarrassment still clawed at him for making a scene. 

He approached his room, not caring to latch the door behind him. Kaworu sat on the edge of the bed near the head of it, tense, and ready to stand up quickly if need be. He leaned forward as he buried his face in his hands, fingers spread and staring through them with widened eyes. He felt the instinct to cover his exposed neck, which was now more prominent, but what was the point anymore? If something happened, then it happened. There was nothing he could do. Still, Kaworu brought one of his hands to it, bringing him a sense of security as he covered it. The door to the room creaked, drawing his gaze. Through his fingers, he saw Shinji hesitantly opening the door further. Kaworu lifted his head and let his hand that was over his face drop. He hesitated to bring down the hand resting on his neck, but he did as well.

"Kaworu-kun?" He asked unsurely, "Is- uh. Is it ok if I come in?" 

Kaworu smiled and nodded, prompting the other boy to enter. He stood at the wall near the door, unsure of what to do with himself. 

He spoke before Shinji had the chance. "I'm sorry about that, Shinji-kun. After you so kindly invited everyone to lunch, I went and ran off. I ruined it, didn't I?"

Shinji shook his head "No, it's fine. It was a stupid idea anyway." 

"No! It really wasn't. I am sorry. I've been so self-centered lately."

"You shouldn't be sorry," Shinji said. "I should be the one who's sorry. I obviously did something wrong."

"Ah, my neck?" Kaworu inquired, "It's alright, I merely overreacted." He gave a grin, hoping to ease Shinji's worries.

"It didn't really look like that... an overreaction, I mean." He took a small step as if he wanted to approach Kaworu, "You looked really upset."

"I was surprised by my reaction." Kaworu insisted. "Please don't worry about me!"

Shinji sighed, and carried out his first indication of movement, and walked to the foot of the bed, and sat down cross-legged, facing Kaworu's direction. "How can I not worry, though?" 

Kaworu didn't reply. 

"You worry about me, so why can’t I worry about you? And besides, I haven't seen you very much since we came here. I expected that um... that I'd uh. Spend more time with you." He blushed. "But that wasn't the case. And I don't really know what to think, but I have enough reason to worry."

Kaworu paused, thinking of what was best to say. “I’m sorry. I tried to avoid people for a while and I don’t typically do that.”

”Sorry, that was my fault, wasn’t it?” Shinji said, looking embarrassed.

”Now why would it be?” 

“Well... I tried to kiss you back then, and you must’ve not liked that so... you avoided me, right?”

Kawrou laughed, “You really overthink things a lot! That’s not it at all!” 

”O-oh. Why is it then? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking,” 

"I have... struggled recently, and I've never really had to deal with it so prominently before, and I don't know what to do." He started. "I didn't want to burden anyone with anything more."

”Burden?” 

“Well, I’m not very important. I didn’t want to bother anyone.”

“What do you mean you’re not important?” Shinji gave a frustrated sigh, “You’re a better person than I am.”

”Nothing’s more important than you.” Kaworu said teasingly. 

“T-this isn’t the time for that!” He flushed. “Will you just let me know what’s wrong? If that’s okay?”

Kaworu paused ”I can’t tell you the full extent of it.” He rubbed the back of his neck “Normally, I would gladly tell you anything, but with this... I can’t tell you. Let’s just say... There are some things in the past that... I wish could remain in the past, but they keep creeping back up on me.” 

Shinji nodded in acknowledgement. 

“I can tell you at least a piece of it. Do you ever think about death, Shinji-kun?”

”Yes,” Shinji responded a little too quickly. 

“Ah, you said yes so quickly! Maybe it should be me who’s worrying about you instead!” 

Shinji rolled his eyes. “Save it for later.”

”Alright, anyway, I have a pressing feeling that I should’ve died. The things in the past are the reasons for it. I told myself that I’d push past it, and continue on normally, but it’s holding a weight on me like never before and I don’t know what to do.” He took a breath and continued. “The past shouldn’t matter though. What’s concerning me now, in the present is SEELE. You know of them, correct?” 

Shinji nodded. “A little bit... I’m not sure about everything but I get the gist of it.” 

“I see. Then you must at least know of their puppeteering. I was one of their puppets, but I got away. I’m afraid they’ll come for me or kill me, or even worse kill someone else.” 

“Oh...” Shinji paused to think for a moment. “Well, they haven’t done anything or made a move, and we’re far away from both NERV and SEELE, so isn’t this the best case scenario? Sorry, I’m not trying to downplay your worries! I just think that we’re in a good situation...” 

“You’re right, Shinji-kun. Thanks.” Kaworu smiled softly.

”But, um, I’m still worried...” Shinji started “I think you worry about others too much. Not that it’s bad! I just think you’re too hard on yourself... it’s not a bad thing that you haven’t been doing well. It happens.” 

“You’re too hard on yourself as well, though.” 

“You’re right... but there’s stepping stones to a happy future right now! Like I said, we’re in the best case scenario, right? Why not try and accept it?” 

Kaworu smiled again. “Yes, I’d like that.” He shifted, leaning forward to reach across the bed, outstretching his pinky finger. “Let’s both achieve the happiness we desire, by each other’s side.” 

“By each other’s side-“ Shinji repeated under his breath, a slight blush rising to his cheeks. He laughed and spoke up. “You’re so childish, Kaworu-kun.” Despite his sentiment, he still leaned over and linked pinkies with the other. 

“Now, about what you said earlier.”

”What did I say?”

“You thought we’d spend time together. Do you want to?” 

“O-oh. Sure,” 

The two let go of each other’s hand, and sank back into their respective seats, a moment of somewhat awkward silence washing over them. 

“So...” Shinji started. “What do you want to do?”

”Um... There’s this place.” Kaworu smiled. “I go there to think quite a bit. To get a breath of fresh air. I could show it to you if you want.”

”Alright. Sounds nice.” He gave a small smile in return. 

——-

It was a quiet place. Kaworu had discovered a ladder in an old corridor that gave you roof access fairly quickly. He would escape to the roof at night, pondering things and watching the stars. The stars left fond memories with him. The rooftop was spacious, it wasn’t the entire building’s roof, just a smaller section that was lower to the ground than the rest of the structure. Despite it being lower than the rest of the building, it was still level with the treetops. The edge was lined with a small raised ledge that was thick enough to stand on. Once Kaworu had sat on it before, recklessly trying to see if he could touch the trees. It was a nice escape. 

Kaworu had showed his place of solitude to Shinji, and they made plans to meet there in the following days. Soon after, they parted ways. 

The day had drawled on without Shinji’s company. Evening had eventually fallen and Kaworu found himself drifting to the rooftop out of habit. He climbed the ladder, only to find the door open. 

“Hello?” He said as he peered through, pushing his head up to see whoever was there. It was Souryuu, to his surprise. 

Soryuu stood on the ledge, feet confidently planted on the ground, yet she looked somehow frail, as if a small gust of wind could send hear tumbling to a quick, painful demise. Her head turned at the sound of his voice. A stoic face with tears illuminated by the setting sun stared at him. 

“What are you doing here?” She said bitterly. 

“Well,” He said, pulling himself up, and walking over to the ledge. “This is my spot.”

Soryuu scoffed. “No it’s not. I always come here and I never see you.”

“Ah, well I come at night.”

”Whatever.”

Kaworu sat down near the girl, his feet dangling over the edge. “You alright?”

”No. Can’t you make that observation?” Her voice sounded devoid of the usual passion that filled it. 

“Is it a problem with others? Or with yourself?” He asked. 

“It’s m-myself in the end.” Her voice cracked. She sat down on the ledge. “We’re... the same... you know.”

”Hm? How so?” Kaworu thought that Souryuu was one of the people who was dissimilar to him. 

She rubbed her eyes. “We both love in a way we’re not supposed to. Am I right? I saw you with stupid Shinji back then...” 

“Not supposed to... Is that what you think? You think it’s wrong?” 

“It’s what everyone else thinks. It’s what I’m supposed to think.”

”So don’t force yourself to think it. It’s not wrong, you know. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter what others may think. It will always be beautiful.”

“I wish I could pretend again, Nagisa. I wish I could pretend to be normal.”

”There’s nothing normal about pretending. You’re just being disingenuous to yourself and those around you. Just be forward, it’ll be alright. You won’t be hurt by being direct.” He said. “And call me Kaworu. I prefer friends to call me that.” 

“Fine, then call me Asuka. It’s stupid if it’s one-sided.” She took a deep breath. “How do you know it won’t hurt to ‘be direct’. What if I decide to be true, and I’m rejected. What if I lose my worth and nobody pays attention to me anymore?”

”I doubt that’ll happen.” Kaworu chuckled. “You’re too big of a personality to ignore.”

”Is that a diss?” She snapped. 

He laughed. “Only if you want it to be!” 

“Yeah, whatever!” Asuka said. She stood up, and stepped off of the ledge. “It gets too cold for me out here at night, I don’t know how you can stay here.”

”Ah, it’s not so bad. I think the cool air is refreshing.”

She rolled her eyes and started to the door. “You’re weird.” She started down the ladder, but spoke before her head passed through the exit. “Thanks.”

Kaworu just smiled in response. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii this was fun :] shinji is sort of hard to write without being able to elaborate on his thoughts and stuff (especially because i don’t think he’s one to really talk about his feelings) but i’m trying my best lol. i sorta had to make him talk about it to make it make sense. i’m kinda pushing for him to quickly get to a happier mindset by himself and take initiative, like ep 26 u know? it’s just sort of tricky to express that from another perspective lol  
> BTW i’m literally so sorry this took so long i’ve been rly busy :sob:  
> the next two chapters will be short but then the two after them will be long so dw!! the short ones will come quicker but the long ones will definitely take a while so heads up lol  
> again sorry for the wait!! i hope u enjoy it tho :)


	7. apology

A tiring air hung over the morning. Asuka was tired. She was done with self pity, yet she lingered in her bed, lying on her side and facing the wall, unable to bring herself to move. Her arms were curled by her chest to keep of warm instead of using the blanket. She felt so guilty for feeling this way when there was no reason. She needed to get over herself! It was worthless to just sit around.   
She heard footsteps echoing in the hallway through her open door. Asuka turned her head around to look at who was passing.

Ayanami. 

“Hey,” Asuka called out. “I have something to say. Will you listen to me?”

She saw Ayanami stop in her tracks and approach the doorway. Asuka faced the wall again, too embarrassed to look the girl in her eyes. 

“I need you to know that I’m sorry.” Asuka took a deep breath. “I’m not good at saying that, but I mean it. I’ve been so mean and unfair to you, and you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of it. I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you. I-I’m so sorry.” Her voice broke.

She felt a weight on the bed behind her, as Ayanami laid down behind her. She moved closer to Asuka, chest pressing to her back and nose nuzzled in the back of her neck, comfortingly and softly draping her arms over her. Asuka felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her touch was so warm and safe and tender. Asuka didn’t deserve this. 

“W-why are you so kind to me even though I’ve been so horrible to you?” Asuka’s voice shook as her eyes started to tear up. “I don’t deserve you.” 

“I knew you were kind.” She said. “Thank you.” 

“You shouldn’t thank me... It should be me thanking you for putting up with me for all this time.” 

Ayanami moved her hands slightly to hold onto Asuka’s. “It wasn’t a problem. I could understand what you really meant.” Her touch was so gentle and soft, it made Asuka’s heart ache.

The tears started to roll down her face. “T-then did you realize I don’t want you to hate me? I never wanted you to hate me... I care for you. I wonder if you could... could ever like me...” 

Ayanami hugged her tighter in response, sending a sob rolling through Asuka. Her shoulders shook, and Ayanami just kept holding her. Her caring touch just made Asuka want to cry harder.

"I don't really know what to say in situations like this, but I hope this will suffice." Ayanami said. 

"It's more than enough," Asuka whispered. "Thank you."

The two laid there in silence for a few moments. "It's nice," Ayanami said. "Because I don't know how long I'll be here."

Asuka paused. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just don't feel safe. But this is nice for now."

Asuka turned over to face the other girl. Rei's arms were still around her. Her crimson eyes widened slightly as she faced her. The pale girl's cheeks flushed a light pink. She was... pretty. Asuka felt herself blushing as well, her heart raced at the short distance between their faces. She timidly cupped Ayanami's face in her hand, averting her eyes out of embarrassment. Thoughts raced through her mind. Her heart wouldn't stop beating. She could easily close the distance between them, she wanted to, she wanted to kiss her. Asuka was so embarrassed and ashamed of her thoughts. Instead, she pulled herself closer to the other girl, resting her head on her chest. She could hear Ayanami's heartbeat, racing as fast as her own. 

Asuka didn't know what to say. She wanted the moment to last forever. She couldn't remember the last time someone had held her so kindly. She wanted to stay in Ayanami's arms for as long as she could. "Will you feel safer if we stay together?" She murmured. 

"I don't know," Ayanami whispered back. "I think so." 

"I'm sorry you feel like that. I hope I can help. To make up for how I've acted..."

Asuka felt the girl's face move under her hand, she assumed Ayanami was smiling. 

"I think you help more than you know." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wee woo wee woo i am so slow at updating !! sorry kings! yeah I said the next two would be short and yeah this one is short 0_0 The next one is short as well but then the two after this will be long so !! yeah :) sorry about the short ones but i will make up for it :D anyway even tho this one is short i hope you still liked it! I'll try to update quicker with the next chapter lol ok byeeee hope u enjoyed


	8. stars

The evening carried a sweet rich air. The tense atmosphere of the previous days had lifted as Kaworu and Shinji spent more time together. They would sit on the roof, talking the night away, and this night was no exception. 

Kaworu sat with his back to the ledge, and Shinji was close to his right. Small comfortable conversations drifted between them as they stargazed. He found himself looking at Shinji more frequently than he looked at the stars. 

"It's somewhat unusual now, isn't it?" Kaworu started. "It used to be so eventful before."

"Yes," Shinji said. 

"I wonder if this is like the calm before the storm." 

"...I hope it stays like this, though." He murmured. 

"Yes, it's nice not to worry so much."

“It’s hard,” Shinji said. “I realized that we’re in the best situation that we could be in, so I should make the most of it. I’m more comfortable with myself, I guess. But because I’m happier and worrying less about myself, now I’m extra worried about everyone else.” He looked to Kaworu, whose eyes were already fixed on him. He nodded, indicating for him to continue. “I just... was always so preoccupied with my own self-loathing. Now I’m just scared for everyone else. I’m still worried about you, Asuka has been acting weird, and Ayanami told me that she feels scared and unsafe. I wish everyone else could realize the good that’s come out of this...”

Kaworu looked up and leaned his head back. “I think everyone is slowly coming to terms with what they’ve suppressed up until now. They might need more time than you did, but I think that in the end, everyone will be alright.” He added “I also think now that we have the free time, we’re thinking about the things that we never had the luxury to think about. At least that’s how it is for me.”

”What are you coming to terms with, then?” 

“That my existence is my own,” He reached up as if to touch the stars, before drawing his hands back in. He turned his head to Shinji. “So, why are you still worried for me? We made a promise together, didn’t we?” 

He nodded, “Yeah, but are you actually happy now, are you doing better?”

Kaworu smiled, “As long as you’re happy, then I’m happy. Nothing matters more to me than you.” 

A soft blush rose to Shinji’s face, but his tone remained strong. “That’s what I’m worried about, though! Don’t you have regard for your own well-being?”

Kaworu blinked. “You’re more important than I am.”

”What’s that supposed to mean?”

”What makes you happy makes me happy, what you care about, I care about, and for whatever you want to achieve, I’ll be by your side.”

Shinji reached over and teasingly poked Kaworu’s shoulder. “So if I say I care about you, will you care for yourself?”

”I-I suppose.” Kaworu blushed. “Do you really?”

”Yes? Why would I lie.” He stated. 

Kaworu’s heart fluttered and he averted his gaze. He wasn't used to hearing Shinji’s praises. He took a small breath to calm his flustered feeling. 

“It’s strange how calm things are now,” Shinji said, changing the subject. “It’s like there’s a blinding haze of happiness clouding reality.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

He paused. “No... It’s selfish, but I want to be blinded for now. I want to get to feel like this for a little while longer.” 

“You’re not selfish for wanting to be happy, Shinji-kun. After everything, it’s deserved. You should pursue your happiness with no guilt.” Kaworu smiled. "Despite everything else, I am glad to see you become happier."

“It’s hard though because I’m not used to it. Getting to be happy, I mean.”

”Me too,”

The conversation faded, and the two sat in silence, gazing at the stars. Once again, Kaworu frequently glanced at Shinji. Suddenly, Shinji sat straight up. 

“Kaworu-kun,” 

“Hm?” Kaworu followed suit and sat up, turning to face Shinji who was still facing forward. His face was flushed. He glanced at Kaworu, then squeezed his eyes shut, face getting more red. Shinji turned and quickly kissed him, it was barely a second before he pulled away, a flustered mess. Kaworu’s eyes widened and blushed. He had to stop himself from touching the corner of his mouth where the other boy had kissed him. 

Shinji looked embarrassed, covering his face and averting his eyes. He had gone silent. 

“Shinji-kun?” 

Shinji lowered his hand and met Kaworu’s gaze. 

Kaworu reached out to cup his cheek. “You missed a little,” he smiled. He leaned in, returning the kiss. He stayed there longer than Shinji had, holding him all the while. With Shinji's prior reluctance, it was almost a surprise that he kissed back.

He pulled away and smiled softly. Shinji smiled back, still flushed. 

"I love you, Shinji-kun," Kaworu stated.

"Oh-"

He continued before the other could respond. "I said so the time before because I thought that I was going to die. Just for me to know that you knew. This time, it's different. I'm alive. I don't know if it's selfish of me to continue to tell you, but I want to keep telling you how I love you. I want you to know that you're worthy of such feelings. And this time I'm here to give them to you."

"I... " Shinji stared as he processed Kaworu's words. His brows furrowed. "What do you mean you thought you were going to die? Because of what you said about SEELE? And what do you mean about 'this time'?" 

"Hm... You're correct about SEELE. The other thing... It's really nothing."

"It's a little hard to dismiss, Kaworu-kun, it doesn't make sense."

"There are many things in this world that don't make sense!" Kaworu laughed. 

"I guess," Shinji said, a tinge of frustration in his voice. 

"Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you," Kaworu assured. "It... isn't something I like to talk about."

"Alright, I see."

The conversation faded out once again. The stars shone brighter to Kaworu now that they were shoulder to shoulder. He took that hand that he always had wanted to hold. And Shinji held his in turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG OMGGGG first i had finals and then i was fucking uhhhhh depressed and just unmotivated in general and now i am just trying to actually find the time to finish this!! so sorry kings o7 i will be better with the next chapter lol see u next time besties love u

**Author's Note:**

> hiii this au lives rent free in my head! i have to write it down lol. i have a basic plot, but it will definitely be more focused on the characters rather than what’s going on. i just really like developing characters lolllll. sorry this is kinda a slow + short start lol it’s 2 am and i’m tired lol. anyway i’m gay and i make the rules. lesbian asuka supremacy. hope u enjoy bye <3


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